It’s widely accepted that there are 7 stages of mourning: shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression and acceptance/hope.
What people talk about less are the stages of mourning a relationship, instead people say things like “I think that’s normal” and “I went through a similar thing” and “Time is a great healer.” The last of which is a massive cope out because everyone knows you can’t pop to the shops and purchase a big pile of time. That’s like saying dinosaurs really help you sleep – people are going to have to take a lot of effort to prove you wrong. And the fact that you do feel better years down the line could be down to anything – it could be a placebo effect because over the years so many people have chanted inanely “Time is a great healer” at you like cult leaders trying to brainwash another mug.
People going through break ups don’t want theoretical solutions to their pain – they want an instantaneous process which they can follow to force the toxic emotions flowing through their system out. Like feeding a cold or starving a fever or wrapping up warm or taking lots of vitamin C – something that a doctor would recommend. I’d like to wear a large jumper for a week and drink lots of fluids and be over it.
Instead I’m bouncing from one stage of mourning to the next – currently I’ve landed on “anger” though I seem to have got here from “acceptance/hope.” This in itself worries me – am I going to end up at “shock” – will I stumble in the street one day and find myself face to face with my ex and suddenly scream “WE BROKE UP!!!” in the shrill tones of a mad woman.
Hopefully at that stage plenty of fluids, dinosaurs and jumpers will have kicked in and I’ll be fine.
November 4, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Holy crap! I’m sorry to hear you are having such a shitty time. Take care of yourself, and keep us posted. Perhaps time will tell if it is a healer. Tom
p.s. (I’m sorry to hear you broke up…)
November 5, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Ahh – that’s ok Tom – I was mainly jesting! Thank you for seeking me out though!!
November 28, 2008 at 9:50 am
What I want to know is how come people stop worrying about the stages of mourning so much around the end of the year. Do they think that they’ve had enough time all year worrying about it and now they must be healed? Only to discover in February that – fuck! – they’re still feeling shit.
Time is not a great healer. That’s bollocks.
Chocolate is a great healer. So are drugs. And alcohol. And shagging.
Also, a good book helps.
So there.
December 7, 2008 at 9:52 am
Tamsin’s right: four things pretty much guaranteed to get you over it.
The most annoying thing I heard this year was that “if it had been meant to be then you’d still be together”. I think this is the most facile statement I’ve ever heard, and can’t believe that anyone who’s ever had a great relationship could believe it.
Love’s complicated – it confuses the hell out of me – and it can be improved, damaged or totally derailed by any number of external influences. People change, move, get sucked into work, get spat out of work – and all the time they meet other people and they learn new things, perhaps they forget other things, too.
Wow. I’ve just re-read that last paragraph in a Jerry Springer voice, and now I have decided to stick to facile and bland reassurance: time’s a great healer.